Like walking on a bridge made of glass, I have always been careful of opening up to other people, sometimes even ending whatever connection that I might make with somebody before it even starts... Before a mutual understanding is created... Before love happens and I cannot blame anybody else for being or doing this very same thing, because personally, I tend to constantly push people away; I tend to push away the people who try to step into my life and make a conscious effort in not letting them break the walls that I have carefully built for myself overtime and so I have my very own reasons.
I suppose that I simply just always push and push, because that is the only way that I know and the only thing that seems to work the best for me,  in an attempt to protect myself.

The main reason as to why I think that I push people away, is because I guess that I am scared; It is not always the unknown, heights, reptiles or the dark that people are afraid of. Sometimes, we are also scared of exposing our vulnerable sides to another person- Scared of experiencing heartache and pain once again...Scared of somebody seeing the monster that lives inside of us..Scared of the thought of being left all over again and as somebody who is vulnerable and also whose emotions are often at its peak, I think that I am afraid of giving the abililty to tamper with those things to just anybody.

As simple and as exciting as having another person in my life sounds, no matter how pure or how genuine that this persons' feelings may or may not be towards me, letting somebody in, is just as if not more terrifying, as letting somebody go because both scenarios typically requires a certain amount of personal strength – The strength to open the door and also the strength to close those doors for good at some point.

I push people away because frankly, I have certain standards- But don't we all? I guess it all just depends on whether you meet specific standards or if you just don't. Maybe that is kind of a harsh thing for me to say, but it is the truth and my opinion that I choose to uphold through any and everything that I write. Other people might want somebody who enjoys the "life of a party", but I might want somebody whom I feel as if I could very likely just spend a quiet Friday night with. Other people tend to fall in love with somebody who is bright and happy, while I prefer to fall in love with somebody just as broken and troubled as I am. Other people might want somebody whom they could hold hands with in front of the rising sun, while I just simply want somebody whom I could cuddle with underneath of the stars and the night sky. Besides, isn’t falling in love, in a way, a matter of preferences? However, never will I ever think that this is unfair because this is me simply knowing who and what I want. This is me pushing people away because I know who and what I deserve.

Maybe I push people away because I am not quite ready and it is just how simple that it is. Maybe the thought of having an emotional attachment to somebody still frightens me and maybe that is how it will always be, because as cliche' as it is, nobody is ever ready to be completely attached to another person– much more to fall in love – with someone anyway; Everybody does... It just happens, but pushing people away because I do not feel ready yet, is ultimately my choice. Maybe I also push people away because I prefer to take things slow, because time seems to play a big part for people like me who seem to push people away as a habit, because it is what mostly helped us in our healing process. We slow them down to read their souls better. As bad as it may seem, we slow them down because we want to test how long that they are wiling to hold on.
And lastly, we slow them down not just because we don’t want to take sudden risks but also because we appreciate the beauty in falling slowly.

I push people away because I want to wait for someone who makes an effort to stay. Sometimes, people like me who tend to push others away do and say things we don’t mean, in an unconscious attempt to support the wall we’ve created. But the truth is, we always wished you’d stay. And maybe it’s when we push you the hardest when we need you the most. The best people in our lives are those who stay even when it’s dark, even when the road seems rough, even when there’s a thunderstorm inside us. They will not be shaken by these adversities, nor prevent us from walking on the streets on a rainy night; instead they will walk with us, hand in hand, because they understand. They will allow us to cry and wallow inside ourselves because they know as much as we do that we consider them as our home whom we can go back to after dark and rainy nights.

I think that it’s those who push people the hardest are also the ones who love most tenderly. Because when the time comes that we no longer push you is also the time that we have proven that your love for us has conquered our fears.

Keep in mind that we only do this to shield our protective bubble and not because we don’t want you in our lives. So pull me back. Pull me when I push you because that’s just me showing you how weak I could be. Pull me when I’m scared. Pull me when I feel not ready. Pull me when I’m most vulnerable. Pull me because I need you. I need to see how far you’ll go for me, for whatever it is you feel, and for whatever connection you want to stay between us. I want to see your patience not solely because I’m testing you but also because I want to know whether your love for me is as much as your fear of losing me.

I want to see you stay when I push you because that’s when I’m the weakest – that’s when I need you most desperately.