I have finally found the source of my hurt and of my pain, which is also the place in which my anxiety and PTSD reside. There is a space within me that reacts with such an intense and emotional ferocity that I separate myself from reality most of the time, because 'reality' becomes just too frightening and in a sense, my brain protects me by disassociating; It is terrifying... It is debilitating... However, I can honestly and confindently say that 16 years later, it is finally starting to slow down.
The source of all of my own personal pain is simply not a thing or an object. The source of all of that pain is that of a person and her name is Crystal, she is 12 years old and she lives right in the exact space where my belly also is. She has been there a very, very long time and I am finally able to be strong enough to see her and to also help her.
A few weeks ago, I woke up one morning and instantly I just felt her there and it was clear as day. She was a dark and shadowy little figure, curled into the fetal position and lying on her side. She was scared, alone and I could see her with my minds' eye, as if she were right there in front of me.
My mind has finally began to separate itself from the trauma that I had to experience as a child and mind is finally strong enough to understand that
"I am not my trauma." For years, when my mind and body would be hijacked by PTSD, I would try to separate myself from it. In those moments, when it felt like I was being completely eaten alive by such terror, it was just simply quite impossible to do anything except seek support from my foster parents and try to ride it out.
For the most part, however, I have started to separate from my trauma. I know that my 30-year-old self is strong, fearless and safe, whereas my 12 year old self is a small, terrified and traumatized child who is apart of me, but she is not me.
I have found the power within myself and I have stopped giving it away to other people. It is my belief, that had I not taken the time and also the space to reclaim myself, as well as my power- This incredible shift into this new phase of healing, definately would not have been possible. When I began to visualize my 12-year-old self and all of the realizations that also came with this slowly began to solidify and in that moment of self clarity I knew just exactly what I had to do...
I had to keep this child safe. I had to reassure her that she matters, her feelings matter and most importantly, that she is absolutely not invisible. I am re-parenting the parts of myself that need to be soothed, with a gentle peace and patience. This is the single most important thing that I have done on this long and winding road towards my own healing journey. I have finally began to walk down a different road and this road will absolutely lead me toward the healthiest future that I can imagine. Although, I have imagined this beautiful future before, but until now, I was certain that it was even real or possible, for that matter.7p
I knew instinctively the things that I needed to do to begin this process of caring for the burdened child within myself. I began speaking to her out loud and it felt really silly, awckward and even embarrassing at first (even though I was doing it in private). However, after some time, I got used to the sound of my own voice, simply just reassuring her in gentle tones that her feelings of anxiety mattered and that I would keep her safe. I also knew exactly when she needed that reassurance. As soon as I started to notice the anxiety building up within my body, I would speak to her and I would just also let her know that she was safe. I began to sit calmly and whisper to her with my hand on my belly and the anxiety would slowly fade- Instantly. After a few moments went by: Silent, peaceful tears would run down my face as I sat there, while I was acknowledging the deep, decades-old part of me that just needed to feel heard and also needed to just be loved.
I am still practicing these things daily and I will more than likely do this for the rest of my life. They are so simple and they come so easily to me. My 12 year old self is not lying curled up in a ball in a dark corner any longer.
I can now visualized her sitting up and placing her hands on an invisible wall; She is curious, she is beginning to trust me and I am just how much love that she needed as a child, who was taught that feeling scared, sad or worried was unacceptable. She was taught that she needed to be tough, she needed to put on her armor and take care of everyone in her family.
Her childhood was derailed at age 14, but her childhood stopped completely five months later when she watched him die the first day that she had ever met him before or spent any amount of time with him. Due to this, she was forced to remain in fostercare placement until she would age out at the age of 18.
I am 30 now. I have experienced more trauma in my life that I will work through eventually, but this is my big work. Right now. My aching, broken parts will always live within me. My trauma and my grief will always be a part of who I am. But now, I can heal them, keep them safe, and love them in the ways that I was not loved when I was actually a child so many years ago; That small, scared child can relax now; she can let go of worry. She can let go of the exhaustion of trying to hold it together and take care of everyone else because it is my turn to take care of her.
Just recently, I found the poem below that I wrote at age 16. I remember writing it as my essay in junior high. At the time I had no idea what it meant, but it came from somewhere buried deep inside of me. However, 16 years later, I believe that I finally know exactly what it all means...
"Fare Thee well, my little friend! It has been a long time since I have let you out to play; To dance in the wind and to also soak up the sunshine, with your curly brown hair. You grew cobwebs- While being left all alone, in a dark, desolate corner... Just crawling with shadows.
My precious child, just hold on for now. Soon- I will return, to knock on your door...
...To play in the sunshine."
