Dear Kurt

Dear Kurt,

I’m not sure I’m ready to put this into words but I know if I don’t try I’ll continue regretting not putting into words what needs to be said. So, at least at the end of this, no matter how it ends, I can at least say I tried.

Throughout the last three years with you, I’ve learned a lot. I have learned alot about myself, about relationships, about being an adult and also about love nonetheless.

 You came into my life at a time when I wasn’t ready for anyone, let alone you. You came into my life and you weren’t a person–you were this entity that I became not only addicted to but also in need of as well. Your infectious personality, your incredible way with words, your delectable charm–it all seemed too good to be true. I think what it comes down to is I became involved with you before I was ever ready. I didn’t take the time to figure out what I wanted and what I needed from someone–from you, from our relationship. When we started all of this, you made it very clear you didn’t want a relationship. I thought it was because you were scared or you’d been hurt. I know now it’s because you’re not capable of having a relationship—at least not the kind I want.

I’m going to be honest with you because that’s what people who care about each other do. This is something I’ve been dealing with for a long time and it’s gone on long enough because honestly, it hurts too much. It’s not fair. I’m holding on because I hope things will change, which is perfectly reasonable, but I can’t change a person. I can’t change you, and I can’t change your situation. I can only change myself and the situations I choose to be a part of. You choose to let this nonsense continue and I’ve tried to understand and ignore it, but I can’t anymore. If you wanted to move on, you could. If you wanted to change the dynamics of your relationship with this other woman, you could. I know you well enough by now to know that when you want someone out of your life, that’s it—they’re out. You have had plenty of time to reevaluate your situation and the damage it does to yourself and other people. Why have you done nothing about it? And I don’t mean making profiles private or pursuing secret relationships because that’s childish. I mean taking action and making adult decisions. 

“I just want you to realize what I’m worth. I invite you into my life, my head, my heart, my family, my bed. That is all very special, and not everyone I meet is entitled to those things. I’ve given you everything and in return, you’re not even really mine.”

I am choosing to stay in this relationship and endure all of the lies, pain, and absurdity. I want nothing more than to believe every single word you say about it being crazy and her being crazy and all of that. I want nothing more than to continue telling everyone to fuck off—that they don’t understand our relationship. You know why I stay, but I deserve to treat myself better. At the VERY LEAST, I deserve honesty from you. You like to use the reasoning that because I’m not technically tied to you relationship wise (i.e. being your “girlfriend”) but the fact of the matter is we are in a relationship despite the fact that that is not the term you’d like to use. You’ve made it clear I am not to sleep with anyone else or go on dates—I know you do it in jest but we both know some part of you would feel hurt if YOU found out I was sneaking around behind your back. So, why do it to me? 


How many times has something like this happened before? Because you know that although I may speak up, I still won’t do anything about it. Maybe I am, as she put it, just a stupid little girl. I know you have feelings for me, otherwise you wouldn’t even bother with our relationship, but it worries me that this is the way you treat people you care about.

What’s sicker is there are times when we’re together and I think nothing and no one else matters—you have this way of making me feel like I am yours and you’re mine. In the end though, none of that compares to the bigger issue here which is completely unacceptable. The issue being I may have those thoughts but in the end, it’s not true. You and your heart do, whether you see it or not, already belong to someone else.

I just want you to realize what I’m worth. I invite you into my life, my head, my heart, my family, my bed. And to me, all of those things are all very special, atleast they are to me and you should be to you too.

Now, I’m not trying to make you feel bad, because you know I care a lot about you nd I love you very much. I just don’t think you can ever give me what I want and need. A relationship—no matter what kind—falls apart the minute dishonesty comes into play. It is no longer fair to me to allow dishonesty from you when honesty is expected from me. And I know you will read this and not realize where I’m coming from but I do hope you try. You are the most important person in my life. But, I only have one life, why spend it with someone who doesn’t make me feel like the most important person in their world?

Whether you leave me or I leave you, I am going to miss you—this will be something I never quite get over. I’m going to feel heartbroken—like a failure, someone who just couldn’t make it work despite her best efforts. But if it doesn’t end, I continue looking stupid and foolish because I let this happen. But, life sucks sometimes. The most I can do is embrace the heartache and hold onto my pride which I have slowly been losing with each day I ignore the other major relationship in your life. I hate being alone, but I am 100% content knowing that I will not give myself to anyone undeserving. This is my life and I am the most important person in it and for the past year, I’ve forgotten that.

I love you. I’ve never cared about anyone as much as I do for you. I would do almost anything for you—anything you ask of me. The memories I get to keep as a result of being with you are some of the best I have. You are a fantastic human being with a light about you that draws people into you—but one thing I cannot do is continue letting you lead me down a path of dishonesty. You don’t see it as dishonesty, I get that, but unfortunately that is what has happened. Whether it’s lying about spending time with her while you’re gone or lying about the “complicated situation,” or telling her I’m a crazy little girl with a big crush, lying is lying and it still hurts the people who care about you.

I’ve fought for you in the only possible way I know how—by being there for you and loving you. But I realize I’m fighting a losing battle. You’re everything to me—and I’m not much to you. She’s won. I do truly hope you read this and try to see it through my point of view—I don’t understand this situation. And if I get nothing from you now, I never will. I want to—I want to know who she is, the part she plays in your life, if you’re still sleeping with her—so many questions that, until answered, make me question our involvement with each other.

And the sickest thing, and even I have to admit this, is that at the end of the day, I will let this happen. I will turn the other way. I will let you continue having other relationships and I will continue believing your lies. I can act angry and upset and yell and kick and scream but never will I let you go. I can’t. And that, above all else, makes me the most pathetic person I’ve ever known.

I don’t think you meant to ever hurt me—but you have. When someone you care about is dishonest, it hurts more than anything. I want to believe you—I want you to let me in. I want you to trust me and I want you to recognize that I’m here and willing to listen and understand.

But most of all, I just want you. All of you. And in the end, I can only hope you want me, and only me, too. 

Let me Fall all by myself

	If you love me let me fall all by myself. Don't try to spread a net to catch me, don't throw a pillow under my ass to cushion the pain so I don't have to feel it, don't stand in the place I am going to land so that you can break the fall (allowing yourself to get hurt instead of me) ... Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the pit ... trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can't see it. The sooner you stop saving me from myself, stop rescuing me, trying to fix my broken-ness, trying to understand me to a fault, enabling me ... The sooner you allow me to feel the loss and consequences, the burden of my addiction on my shoulders and not yours ... the sooner I will arrive ... and on time ... just right where I need to be ... me, alone, all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead ... resist the urge to pull me out because that will only put me back at square one ... If I am allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for awhile ... I am free to get sick of it on my own, free to begin to want out, free to look for a way out, and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top. In the beginning as I start to climb out .. I just might slide back down, but don't worry I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I make it out safe and sound ... Don't you see ?? Don't you know ?? You can't do this for me ... I have to do it for myself, but if you are always breaking the fall how am I ever suppose to feel the pain that is part of the driving force to want to get well. It is my burden to carry, not yours ... I know you love me and that you mean well and a lot of what you do is because you don't know what to do and you act from your heart not from knowledge of what is best for me ... but if you truly love me let me go my own way, make my own choices be they bad or good ... don't clip my wings before I can learn to fly ... Nudge me out of your safty net ... trust the process and pray for me ... that one day I will not only fly, but maybe even soar.

One Day You Are Going To Meet Somebody

One day you are going to meet somebody at some point in your life that is ultimately going to change everything from that moment forward; They are going to end up changing the way in which you view the world in its entirety... They are going to chamge the way in which you view yourself and they are also going to change the way that you look at everybody and everything that is around you.

This person could simply just be a total stranger that you possibly meet on your way to the next destination; 

You could meet this person in another country or even in an entirely different town that you are simply just visiting for the weekend before going back home and it is unlikely that you will will probably ever return in the future. This person could be somebody that you meet at a bus stop, at a restaurant standing in line right behind them while you patiently wait until it is your turn to order your food or this person could even be somebody that you might have met in the past through a few mutual friends on a couple different occasions and then, comepletely out of nowhere they strike up a conversation and you instantly become excited to be able to get to hang out with this certain person, because just a simple friend request on Facebook or social media makes you ecstatic and you can only hope that it could potentially blossom into something beautiful.

It doesn’t matter where it happens. It doesn’t matter how it happens. But, one day it will. 

It might be a small conversation, a chat about the weather that leads to a chat about life and death. It might be a tiny moment, a lingering thought and gaze that hits you like cold water on a burning hot day. It might be a subtle glimmer of hope, that will turn a rainy day into a march sundress day. It might be a small speckle of words, that will lead into a masterpiece of sonnets and poems.

You may never see this person again. You may never have a conversation like that with another person ever again. You may have to keep the memory of this person burning bright within your mind when times get

seen to be dark. You may have to keep this person’s image embedded in every single cell and atom within your personal being, but one thing for sure is that you will most likely be changed... Forever. 

You don’t know what it was about this person. Maybe you were soulmates only meant to meet for a day, or maybe you were destined to end up together. Or maybe fate would rather you two just be great friends and nothing more.

But the way they smile at you, will make everything ok again. The way they speak to you, will make you realize how much a part of you has missed being truly looked at. The way they laugh at your casual conversation will make you want to see the world from a different light.

And this person, this perfect stranger, will make you want to be a better human being. This person, will suddenly awaken a light in you that has been shut off for so long. This stranger, will make you wake up from the world that you were missing out on. This stranger, will wake you up to the beauty inside of yourself.

Because the way this person will look at you, is like they have known you for forever. And the way this person will look at you, will tell you that you are worth everything that you want in this world. And this person, this stranger will finally make you want to look at yourself in the same exact way they look at you.

One day, you are going to meet someone who will change your life. Because in the way they smile and talk to you, you see all your potential in just one look. And in the way they speak to you with careful conversation, will make you realize that you are worth more than you ever gave yourself credit for.

One day you will meet someone who will re-introduce you to yourself. And when that happens, don’t you ever throw away that feeling of awe and pure bliss. 

And even if it doesn't last for very long at all... Enjoy the moments and the time that you are able to spend with them and the memories that the two of you create and share together... Cherish them for eternity. 

What Is Next ??

Apparently, a sickness is spreading while such madness is moving through many manic minds and parts of this planet are in quite a panic about a possible pandemic or a potential plague. However, it is vaguely in the background and it seems to be the reason why so many people are simply just going berserk. Some people say that it is really serious, while other people say not to even worry about it. 

On the other hand, who actually knows though? It is hard to know who to really believe or who is dying to deceive; The fear mongers or the conspiracy theory types. Nonetheless, they are both seemingly share endless statistics in an attempt to convince you either wait, watch and see or simply just continue to stay blind to all of this shit... 

Meanwhile, the "Coronavirus" has supposably been challenging much of China. In fact, it is apparently getting quite crazy over there or at least that is the way in which it seems; Borders being blocked, quarters quarantined, people passing out, a substantial amount of people becoming infected with this 'deadly virus', as well as the number of deaths increasing daily. 

It seems as if it is much more than your average "flu season" shit - For an individual can possibly carry this said virus for up to two weeks, before the person the knowledge or notices that he for she is too damn weak to even try to stand. It also seems as if some people are too timid to admit what could actually happen if this infection spreads worldwide. 

I think that the magnitude of this infectious virus, 'coronavirus', which is apparently making its way around the world in its entirety. If nothing is done, some people lie, distract and say this is nothing. 

Other people hype it up and say that the possibility of a global mayhem is considerably high, while so many people across our country continue to suddenly die. As a result, the families of these lost loved ones continue to only be able to ask God, "Why?"

The number of infected individuals continues to rise daily, while it also continues to raise quite a substantial amount of concern and eventually chaos and confusion are beginning to flood our very own community. 

According to News Reporters, the said virus, "Coronavirus", has rapidly reached the United States in its entirety, not to mention other countries, as well. 

                        So what is next ??

Do Not Give Up... Here Is Why

" You are much stronger than you give yourself credit for..."

 Remember when you were crying into your pillow and you did not think that things would get better? ...Well, it did.

Remember when you did not think that you could live without that person in your life?

 ...Well, you are still breathing.

Remember when you simply wanted to give up and just wither away because life is not fair at all?

...Well, you are still breathing. 

Even if you have not made it through completely yet, I believe that you are on your way. Maybe you are still fighting through all of the hard times and the battles that just never quite seem to ever end. Maybe you are still working on improving yourself and simply trying to figure everything out. Maybe you are still trying to quiet the voices that are possibly inside of your head and trying to pick yourself back up.- All of these things are perfectly fine because I have faith that you WILL make it.

Sometimes it might feel like you have lost it all... Sometimes it might feel like you will just never really amount to much of anything or that you will even get lost within the storm of life along the way, but you will make it. You just have to keep digging and I personally know that it is so hard. I know that it is so much easier to 'throw in the towel' and just give up, but when you do that and you surrender to life - The only person that you are really hurting is yourself.

It is hard... It is challenging and it is not always fair, but you just need to stick with it. You need to believe in yourself, even if nobody else is there to cheer you on. You need to be your own biggest support system because when you are crying into your pillow at night, you are the only one that can get you up the next morning. When you are crying in the bathroom, you are the only one that can wipe away your tears. When you are falling apart completely, you have to be the glue to stick yourself back together.

As much as most bad things might seem as if it could very well be the end of the world, I want you to keeping mind that they are definitely not. You have so much good left in your life; So many more firsts, accomplishments and personal victories. You will find a new love, you will find a new job and you will have friendships with the people who genuinely care about you; You will be healthy. You will be alright - As long as you allow yourself to be. 

                                                   It is okay to feel sad...

              just do not allow that sadness to consume you and overtake your life. 

You cannot punish yourself forever for your mistakes and you should not punish yourself forever for your mistakes, so stop punishing yourself over what you could or should have done better. Everybody struggles in some aspect of life. Everyone has their own personal battles that they are personally fighting and everybody needs somebody to count on to help them be able to look forward to tomorrow, so do not be afraid to ask for help if you cannot do it on your own.

Life is a constant battle between what we want in the moment and what we should be doing. It is a constant battle between loving and learning. It is a constant journey to discover who each one of us are, because we are all changing, as well as our circumstances.

Do not let anybody make you feel as if you are weak, like you are incapable or like you are not tough because you are... You just have to believe it yourself.

You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. Do not forget how much that you have already survived and use that as the motivation to keep going...

                                               

                                                 Do Not Quit Now 

 

 

 

 

 

This Is Just One Storm

How many poems and articles am I going to write before I realize that even though these words are perfectly arranged, they are simply just never going to cure what it is that is broken inside of me. Maybe I take comfort in other people who have shared the same heartbreak as I have. However, the un-denying truth is that yes, we are all heartbroken in some way or another and you probably even read quotes, poetry, as well as articles about many different topics and I think that we do this for some form of reassurance for our own wounded hearts.

However, it is only human to feel some kind of pain and to be able to find that same experience in another person almost makes your heart go "giddy-up", you pause in your own breathing as you feel a sense of relief from everything that has been weighing you down lately and you are also familiar with those feelings because that feeling is so damn familiar.

Yes, of course, it hurts and it is going to hurt... Yes, you have shed many tears and you are most likely going to shed alot more tears in the future... Yes, you feel as if your very own heart is literally just caving its way in and it might also feels like your chest is collapsing in-wards... Sure, you feel like a complete fool and you probably feel the resentment towards all of it.

On the other hand, I believe that you will fall in love again eventually and sure, you will be heartbroken many times in the future, but I just want you to know and to also keep in mind that what you are feeling at this moment is only temporary, so try not to allow it to consume you, but grieve for as long as you think is necessary. Only you can overcome what you are going through right now, so I simply say this to my readers :
\

Believe in yourself                                                                                                     Look at the phone calls                                                                                              Look at the texts messages                                                                                       Look at all of the pictures 

 Cry as much as your eyes and your tears allow you to       

Think about both the good and also the bad memories that you have now... Get it all out while the pain that you are most likely feeling right now is still fresh.

You are probably wondering what my reason is for saying previous two sentences - You see, you have to clean a scratch or a cut with alcohol or peroxide, so of course it is going to burn like hell. However, it is going to heal you eventually and it is also going to cleanse your soul of impurities. Even though you are more than likely going to have a scar months or even years down the road, but you will not hurt as much as you are in this very moment, sweetheart.

They say that "time heals all wounds", so give it time honey and if you think that your heart was just broken too badly and there are just way too many pieces to even attempt to put all of the tiny pieces back together again... I want you to remind yourself of the simple fact that you are, in fact, still alive and please believe me when I tell you that you will overcome what you are feeling in due time.

Just try to find yourself darling, because there is so much more to live for and this temporary feeling is only keeping you from doing just that. So look ahead and move on- Not in weary, but in great confidence and remember that pain is very common and only temporary. Embrace it, but also learn to embrace your own personal growth at the same time as well.

A flower has to weather its very own storm throughout its whole entire life and not just a seed for flowers have many blooms and the storms make them beautiful and sweetheart, you are breathtakingly beautiful...…

This is only just one storm ★

This Is Why She Is Guarded

• She is guarded because she fears that you could possibly be that person who has the ability to break down all of the walls that she has worked so hard and for so long around her own heart. You will be able to make her want to expose her deepest insecurities.
• She is guarded because she is actually happy when she around you. She will wander how long this even will last, because the past has only shown her that happiness just simply does not ever last for very long at all. 
• She is guarded because she fears heartbreak and she knows that one day, you will hurt her just like every person has.
• She is guarded because she fears falling for you, so she keeps her guard up and refuses to let you in too much. She will pull away in an attempt to not get emotionally attached to you ★

♡ Ben Perry ♡

Life has taught her some extremely hard lessons. Life has shown her that people will eventually let you down. So instead of getting her hopes up with you, she will start to distance herself. When she does start to pull away from you, you might feel upset because yesterday you thought everything seemed fine and then all of a sudden she does not show up as she had intended or planned on doing. You might send her text messages that are not very nice, things that you might not even mean in that specific moment, but you do so out of your own anger, hurt, confusion or frustration. You will most likely also assume or accuse that she is playing mind games or just "games" in general with you....

If this is the case..... Ben, take a deep breath at the end of this sentence………………..                     and then continue reading...……………………

She knows that in time, you will give up on her, but deep inside of her heart of hearts, she knows that it is her fear that is driving her throughout life. She wants you to reveal the real person, the real her.
She wants you to break down her walls, she wants you to tell her how you feel, she wants you to teach her vulnerability, but most of all..... One day, she hopes to have something REAL, to be able to meet that one guy that makes her completely forget about everyone else before and just let the dice roll.........

So do not walk away or give up on her just yet 🎔