This Is How I Confused Abuse With Love

I wear rose tinted glasses until they are clouded over, cracked and hanging from my face. I try to pick out the good parts that are in people and as a result, I seem to blind myself to the rest. When it comes to the goodness of other people, I suppose that I expect other people to treat me the ways in which I treat them and it so often fucks me over 90% of the time. I am a professional when it comes to defending people, making excuses for them and just giving them 'one more chance. ' I want people to just simply prove me wrong, to be better, to show up, to stick to a promise, but they just do not do any of those things. Therefore, I feel disappointed and eventually discarded once I am so mentally broken, I then give up. Until the cycle begins again and it usually always does, so I guess the reason for this is because it is just who I am.

However, the most fucked up thing that I have ever done is confuse abuse for love and that is not my fault, it’s a byproduct of being such an intense person. It is "his" fault; His fault for being so clever, so manipulative, so damn convincing, for holding up a mirror and letting me believe that what I gave him and how I loved him was reflected back to me, but it was nowhere close to being like that. I confused abuse for love the first time that my told me that my writing was “damaging” to women and also to other people. When he tried to convince me that I was “making other people crazy” and so I sobbed, trying to defend my work, trying to get this asshole to understand that I wrote what I felt that people needed to hear and he told me that it “was not good enough.” 

I confused abuse for love when this person told me that he was “just trying to help me,” that he did not want me to “embarrass” myself. Six months later, I am beginning to realize that he meant embarrass him. I confused abuse for love when he called me crazy, a psychotic bitch or a fucking lunatic. When he convinced me to go to individual therapy, because he had cheated on me and lied about it for nearly a year and a half and also when he told me after my therapy sessions were over that it obviously did not work, because I was “still fucking mental.”  I confused abuse for love when I slowly began to believe him, when I told myself, "He must love me, because he wants and is trying to help me....  So clearly, I must be mentally unwell.

I confused abuse for love when we spent long, drawn out nights arguing, going round and round in circles, when I was so tangled within the webs of his gaslighting that I apologized as he held me close to his chest while stroking my hair as he told me that he forgave me. I confused abuse for love in those quiet moments after the storm had hit and blown me apart, when he was gentle, warm and soothing. When I fell asleep in his arms and I actually believed that it would, in fact,  get better.

I confused abuse for love every time that he criticized me for what I wore, how I did my makeup, how I cooked our dinner or how did the laundry. When he poked me in the stomach after sex and asked me, “What is all of this?” and then rammed abuse down my throat for being upset about what he asked or said to me. 

I confused abuse for love when he bought me chocolate as an apology and I felt it was good enough. I confused abuse for love when he told me to exercise, then laughed at me when I tried to work out at home. "He just wants me to look better, to be healthy and to also just be happy. He is only really just looking out for me."

I confused abuse for love when he begged me for forgiveness after the first time that he laid his hands on me. When he told me that I had had just "pushed him too far." I confused abuse for love when I believed that I was an awful person, that I deserved it, that I was too much and that I was lucky that he even put up with me. I confused abuse for love when he bought me flowers and wrote me declarations of love to ensure that I would not leave. When I swallowed the fear burning inside of me and kissed him and when I ignored the way that he began to taste like poison. When I really believed it would just be once. Once was okay though, right? 

Wrong...

I confused abuse for love when I looked for the damaged parts inside of him and tried to love them. When I found excuses for all of his mental abuse in his own childhood or his past relationships. When I told myself that if I was just better, if i was more understanding, if I was more loving, if I was more patient, then maybe he would be the man that I wanted and also needed him to be. I confused abuse for love every time that he pulled me back in, every time my moments of clarity were quickly dismantled by all of his broken promises of the future and of us. I confused abuse with love every time that he told me that he loved me and I really believed that love meant to him exactly what it does to me.

I confused abuse with love when I trapped in that house with him, with returning to hell knowing that it would burn me around the edges before completely smoking me out; With passion, love and desire. A need with this fairytale life that I so desperately craved from him, when I was simply existing in my own nightmare and I just did not want to see it for what it truly was.

I confused abuse for love until the very end and it ultimately it changed me.

Broke me.

Shattered me.

Made me pick up the pieces of my entire being and fix them back together in some new way I that I just did not quite recognize.

On the other hand, I knew damn well that I would never confuse abuse for love ever again and I hope that you do not learn the hard way like I had to.

                                                  In an Instant

There will be a time when the rug gets yanked out from underneath of you, when the sky comes crashing down around you and a tiny elephant takes its residence upon your very own chest, while making it so difficult to breathe. 

I do not say this to be or to even sound dramatic at all. I say this to simply just remind you that you are absolutely not alone. I say this to remind you that whatever it is that you may or may not be struggling with right now can so easily happen to each and every one of us and can also occur in the very best of times. 

In an instant, life can change. In an instant, your world can crash. In an instant, you can forget what it is like ton ever breathe without pain, without fear, without sadness and without hurt. 

In an instant... 

It is my hope that you allow yourself to feel all of the pain. I hope that you let that pain break you, burn you and also twist you. I hope that you are able to feel every single crack inside of your spirit. I hope that you are able to get back up again. I hope that eventually you are able to grab all of the pieces of your heart and also of your spirit from off of the floor and then try to make something new.  

                                                     This Is My Reason  

                          
        
It took me a very long time to discover myself in such a way that I could express myself, my thoughts and also my visions. I often ponder the questions, "Is there anybody reading this?", "Am I really even capable of reaching other people with my words?", "Do I have the ability to make a difference?" These remain unanswered questions, but I will continue to try to do my very best and this is my reason why.
       
            Along the way, I figured out what works for me and also what just simply does not work for me. I know what my low points are, I know what my weak- nesses are and I also know how I work. Unfortunately, I cannot control how another person might think, how another person might treat me and in what situations that have brought unto me up to this point in my life. A lot has happened throughout the course of my own life, so often times I have lost hope, confidence has been damaged and I have quite often even stood on the brink of collapse. However, with time and also with awareness I have been able to find my way back, but I have always kept my goal in the back of my very own mind. I want to show other people and I want to show the world in its entirety, who it is that I truly am and not just how some people might present me or how some people also treat me. I want to share how I think and also how things can possibly can be improved. I desire to help the people who have experienced things in life that are similar to my own and I want to help to make this world a much better place or at least I want to try, that is.
           When I was in a much worse state, it was always something that was missing, somebody who would understand me, who felt what I felt, who could be able to articulate what exactly was going on inside of me, somebody who would take care of me, somebody who might be willing to guide me through my search and also have the ability to name all of the chaos that was going on inside of me. However, when that person would never show up was never there, I eventually realized that I had one of two options: Give up or keep fighting and I chose to fight. I wanted to discover who that I was as a person, what caused my thoughts, my questions, my emptiness, how I could fill, name and express it,how I could find myself in the midst of all of my very own chaos and also make all of the chaos in the world change. I went through a development and growth that I never imagined up until very recently.
           I am an introvert, I am HSP (Highly Sensitive Person), somebody with an extra sense, I see, I feel, I think and I also observe deeply, intensely and I do so quite often. Those are all things that have gotten in my way ever since I can remember. When I am simply just uncertain about something, it makes me feel very vulnerable, because I feel and I also experience every single thing so intensely, overtime - I think that it has caused me some enormous damage in some ways, more than other ways. I have learned my lessons in this and I started to form my own vision, as well as my own passion.
I want to help other people see, feel and also think that things can be different, because it truly is possible, as long as you are willing to look at yourself with all pure and genuine intentions and to express this.

Trace the scars that life has left you because it will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation.  

Please don’t ever forget that."

I think that the best thing to do is to just constantly imagine yourself being eighty years old, sitting in a rocking chair while you are looking back on your life. Think about all of the opportunities that you are presented with every single day and ask yourself, "Would my eighty year old self be happy with this?" Like, say your father wakes you up at eight in the morning and asks if you would like to go get something for breakfast with him. Right now, you would probably just roll over in your bed and refuse, because you are "too tired" or "do not want to be bothered." But as an eighty year old look back, you would jump out of your bed and go have that breakfast without any second thought.

It is just the little things, you know. ⧪